July 19, 2009 @ Glacier Unitarian Universalist Fellowship…

Today’s service was entitled “Fear”. There were many great quotes & verses that I thought I’d share.

“There is a Love that restores the soul, a Love that makes all things new, a love that will not ever let us go. May we trust in that Love. May we rest & be held by that Love. Even when we cannot believe it exists, Love is all around us, among us, inside us. May Love speak through our lips, Hear through our ears now & always.”

“The hurting soul, the weary one Grace, let a song of comfort come. Sing to new life the hardened heart. Calm all our fears & trust impart.”

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson

“Safety is not the most important value. Let us encourage one another to live our lives with passion & risk, to find something important to serve. Caring makes us vulnerable; still, let us go toward life as if our fears had taken a deep breath & calmed down. Let us go toward life.”

“If tomorrow morning the sky falls, have clouds for breakfast. If you have butterflies in your stomach, ask them into your heart.” -Cooper Edens

“Courage is doing what you’re afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you’re scared.” -Eddie Rickenbacker

To my Grandfather

written on June 29th 2009

I think that my favorite man on the planet, although some would argue that he’s not on it anymore, would have to be my grandfather, Dewey Lee West. He was the best man I’ve ever known. He fought in wars, he loved his women, he had a shoe fetish (heehee). He liked to drink, but was the good happy drunk that just conversates for a few, then takes a nap. He loved the Price is Right girls, especially Holly. He wanted to get lost in a Doublemint gum ad, but who doesn’t!? He played minor league baseball & was good at track. No one will ever make me feel as loved as he does, stlll, even though he’s gone. Sitting on his lap watching Lawerence Welk. Dancing in his living room to the smurffs album (I think he was pretending it was a waltz, lol). He always told me I was beautiful, even when others were saying the opposite.
My grandma, when I told her that my marriage was over because I couldn’t love us enough for both of us, told me that Grandpa loved her more than she loved him. She always knew it & didn’t think that she deserved the love that he gave her. It made me even closer to my grandpa, even though he’s been gone for over 20 years. He knew how I felt, to fight for it even though she would never love him the same.
I’m sorry I don’t have the fight that he did, but maybe he only did because, unlike my situation, she never wanted to break his heart & tell him. I used to feel him here, in my home, but not since we moved to Montana. Not a shudder of cool air. My kids used to talk to him quite regularly, Ryan even had an imaginary friend “Casper”, who accompanied us everywhere. When I asked him to describe Casper, Ryan described, to a tee, an old photo I recall seeing of Gramps as a little boy. (Ryan had never seen that picture). I miss him terribly & I wish that I could see him today & he could tell me that I am beautiful & we could watch the Price is Right, & we could dance in my living room, only this time I’d let him choose the music. He could tell me what I should do here, which way I should go. To see him watch my boys play would be amazing! Ryan looks so much like him!

I love you grandpa & if you ever get the urge to come to Montana, I’d really love to see you, even in a dream.

You say “bitch” like it’s a bad thing…

I wrote this little bit while going through my divorce after 9 years with my cheating, now X, hubby.  Venting was a good thing…lol

At some point, the doormat needs to be picked up, brushed off, & set aside.

I don’t need everyone to like me.

I am not required to be nice & accomidate everyone.

It is okay for me to admit that I don’t approve, like, or need people in my life who drag me down & make me feel bad.

It is okay that I admit that I hate someone who has hurt me in everyway possible & made me question my own rights & needs.

“Bitch” is not a bad word.

The doormat is climbing onto her broomstick to go for a ride…

Anyone care to join me?

An interview with my children…

I did this interview with my boys Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Ryan was almost 11, & Jacob was 7 1/2

Interviews with your kids…

1. What is something mom always says to you?
R:Goodnight
J: I love you

2. What makes mom happy?
R: Music
J: making us happy sometimes does

3. What makes mom sad?
R: When we don’t listen
J: When we say mean things to her

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
R: I don’t think I’ve ever laughed when you did anything
J: Sometimes when your dancing you do funny dances sometimes

5. What was your mom like as a child?
R: Being pushed around by Aunt Tiffany
J: singing & at school you kicked boys in the nuts, remember they called you & your friend Jamey “the nutcrackers”? (I seriously tell the kids too many stories from my youth!)

6. How old is your mom?
R: 30
J: 32

7. How tall is your mom?
R:5’2″
J: probably 31 inches taller than Ryan, cause I think he comes up to your boobs

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
R: Listen to music
J:singing or like getting to read those Twilight books

9. What does your mom do when you’re not around?
R:Listen to music or be on the computer
J: probably on the computer or singing or your um you work?

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
R:singing
J: being the best reader or the best singer

11. What is your mom really good at?
R: singing
J:singing or reading

12. What is your mom not very good at?l
R: Not very good at dancing, sometimes you scare me (this from the boy who thinks the oompa loompas are soo cool!)
J: not very good at playing video games

13. What does your mom do for her job?
R:works at the Kalispell Grand Hotel
J: goes to a hotel & sometimes goes to a school

14. What is your mom’s favorite food?
R:Chicken Tortilla soup
J: kiwis, cherries, & beets

15. What makes your mom proud of you?
R: when we clean our rooms
J: when we get to a different reading level

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
R: Mary Jane Watson
J: Pepper Potts, cause you’re in love with Tony Stark & then you could make out with him

17. What do you and your mom do together?
R: play board games
J: we like to watch movies & read

18. How are you and your mom the same?
R: We’re related
J: we both like Wii sports

19. How are you and your mom different?
R:different gender
J: I like to play legos & you don’t like to as much

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
R: because you’re my mom
J: everyday & at bedtime you tuck us in & give us hugs & kisses even when we don’t want them

21. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go?
R: Friends’ houses
J: If you still had a choir it would be choir

wrote this for wearefibro.org 2008

I can…
I will not bend over & take the pain.
I will tie my children’s shoes on my bad knees & with my achey fingers, & smile for them.
I will play catch & dive for that ball, even if it means an icepack & drugs later.
I will take apart legos for my son with my achey fingers.
I will hang on the monkey bars & show my son that it can be done, all the while the pain is shooting down my back.
I will sew a button onto my husband’s pants, even if it takes me 2 hours because my fingers won’t hold the needle tight.
I will cuddle with my boys on the couch & watch their favorite superhero movie in surround sound even though my migraine is making my head pound.
Although my family knows I have pain, I will not sit & watch them enjoy each other.
If I can give birth I can take this.
There will be flares, & tremors, & shakes, & tears.
However, I will not trade them for the rest.
I am woman, sister, daughter, granddaughter, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, aunt, wife, lover, partner, mother, future mother-in-law/grandmother.

Because of these, my pain will not win. Even on the hard days I say “Bring it on”,

Because I Can…

Random

I thought I’d post a few things here, that I have written other places. I would very much like to keep all my thoughts together in 1 space. I think this is it…the next few entries are cut & pastes from other sites I’ve belonged to over the years. I’ll try to date them to the best of my ability. Thanks for reading!

Monday, monday…again.

Yesterday, Monday, I woke & began cleaning the vomit that my 8yr old had left for me the night before.  It was supposed to be the first day back at school from Winter Vacation.  His 11yr old brother didn’t feel well after watching me clean up the mess, so he was home too.

This morning, I was really hoping that they would both be in school.  However, when I saw the foot of newly fallen snow outside, i was happy to see that li’l sicky was still under the weather.  I was in the garage warming up our ’87 Honda Accord, we call her “Bubbles” because she’s champagne colored.  I was hoping that she’d make it out of the driveway.  I don’t even think she sits a foot off the ground! My oldest was in the back seat & my youngest was sleeping upstairs.  All of a sudden a knock on my window! I jumped (& almost peed, to be honest).  My neighbor saw me warming up Bubbles & thought he’d offer to take my boy to school in his 4wheel drive truck instead of me venturing out. I was very thankful, I seriously don’t think that she would’ve made it.

I came in the house & was busily cleaning the house ALL DAY, around my sick boy.  I went to pick up my other son from school at the normal time.  He’s autistic, so I go into the school to fetch him. He gets a little overwhelmed by the number of people in the parking lot.  On the way home, I mentioned to him that I could barely get out of the driveway to come to get him.  I told him that I would pay him if he was able to shovel it for me.  He put his back pack in the house, had a quick snack, & went to work. About an hour later he was triumphant!! The neighbor boy across the street helped & it was fabulous! I was so proud.

I made a turkey soup for dinner, have to use the leftovers before they walk out of the fridge!  now the kids are nestled in their beds, watching XMen & fighting about whose side they’d be on in the Marvel Civil Wars battle.  I love boys, I truly do.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, lets hope it acts like it!!